Beginnings

I am scared to begin this blog.

But because I am scared, I know I must do it.

It is all part of my process. It is my journey. And I am addicted.

Just before the first day of summer, I did something I was scared to do: I quit my job. Despite almost five years with my former company, my job had become toxic for me. I was totally drained everyday and I never wanted to get out of bed in the morning. I felt like I was missing out on my life. I felt like I had more to offer the world that wasn’t being used and I wanted to find out what it was. I knew it was only a matter of time before I would need to cut ties, take a break, and change course. There were ideas and passions inside of me that needed space to grow. After months of consideration, I finally decided to pull the plug. I didn’t have the next steps all figured out yet but I knew I needed to pursue a something that was more creative and “more me”. I was scared because I still didn’t have the words to describe what “more me” actually was. But, I trusted that they would come. I believed.

In the moments after delivering the news of resignation, I was transformed into my own personal hero. I was saving my own life. I was my own helping hand lifting me up to a better place. Surfacing above the waterline of my life in those few precious moments, I broke free and breathed in the sweet air of empowerment. I held my head up and looked around. Checked out the horizon. Where was this magical place? Everything seemed fresher and clear. And amazingly I felt calm. Completely at peace. In harmony. I felt hot tears rolling down my cheeks. I was on top of the world. So this is what is feels like to be kind to myself, I thought. So this is the sweet spot.

In the next moment, my memory conjured up an image of my Great Aunt Genevieve in her wheelchair, holding my hand and looking deep into my eyes and repeating, ”You’ve got to have gumption. You’ve got to have gumption.” Her mantra came swirling to life and I felt the wisdom of her words in my heart. She was right. I knew this moment was just the beginning of something beautiful.

An idea flickered across my mind: I will start a blog. It will be about heros, people with gumption. I brainstormed. I jotted down some notes in my journal, getting the idea quickly down on paper, not wanting to lose the magic as it was slowly waning out of my grasp, like sand. I filed away the notes, somewhere safe.

Two months later that dream is coming to life. And the hero is me. I want to share my journey that I am on to reclaim my life and move past my fears. A story in redefining a career and redefining a life. For most of my past, I have been sleeping. Asleep to my dreams and asleep to my true self. My inner spark. This is my journey in “waking” or surfacing. It is an expedition in breaking through my fears and learning the art of being kind, loving, and patient with myself. It is my journey in learning to love and surrender to the process and in finding that sweet spot that lasts..that never flickers out..

And this is why I must do this.

I am sharing this journey because I want to connect with other people, I want to write, and I want to inspire people to tap in to their own lives and creativity. I want to connect with other adventurers and I want to keep up my momentum. I want to laugh and keep the flow going. The energy pumping. And I want to celebrate my process. I want to join a community of like minded individuals and create a support network for my emerging inner artist. I want to share the sweetness. This is just too good to keep to myself.

But I must admit, more than anything, I want to start this blog because I am afraid to do so. I’m downright freaked out to be showing you what’s going on with me. I’m afraid to open up. But as much as this fear freaks me out it also makes me excited about what is to come. Fear is a temptress. And I know, that like all mountains we climb, the longer we take surveying the mountain, questioning our route, the harder the mountain is to climb. So I’m not sitting and lingering on this another moment. I’m ready to climb. This blog exists, today.

And so it begins.